Fifth Decade Beginning

I began my first decade in Riverside California, born early to a pair of people who went where the current carried them- namely into the uncharted waters of parenthood. It was rocky for them, being unfinished with their own growth. I was calm in the midst of thier folly, except when I was frightened or sad. Unfortunately these less cherished emotions became more common as time passed. I gradually accumulated two brothers and a sister. They were more real to me than my parents, because they were more honest. I am very grateful that I have siblings. Even if our paths are widely divergent now, I feel somewhat anchored in the world, knowing that there are several stories unfolding that began where mine did. The theme of my first decade was curiosity. I grew and time passed.

My second decade started in Clovis, a suburb of Fresno and an agricultural town in the heart of the frying pan known as the San Joaquin Valley. I spent all summer in the swimming pool of our apartment complex, only coming back to the apartment for food or sleep. (This is only a mild exaggeration...) During the school year I alternately delighted my teachers with brilliant aptitude and drove them mad with willful disobedience. It was a good balance. I studied music in the form of choir and clarinet, which have influenced the whole rest of my life. I express humble and lasting gratitude for the teaching and dedication of Mr. Bird. I ran cross country and track with prodigal success. I learned to love nature and the wilderness on backpacking and camping trips to the many state and national forests in California. This my father did right. I observed the many reasons why perpetual journeys into drunkeness and marijuana induced idiocy were a bad plan. Many thanks to my uncle and father for their fine counterexample. To this day, I am completely uninterested in alcohol or recreational drugs. My mother had finally divorced my father, and sheltered two of my siblings in southern California. I conspired with my remaining brother, Jack, to hide our indiscretions from our father, mostly with nominal success. The theme of my second decade was discernment. Time passed and I grew.

By the start of my third decade, I had left California far behind. I lived in scenic Rockport, Massachusetts with my third great love and our cats. There was a lovely wholeness to that existence, a sufficiency that kept us on an even keel for a long time. We both found enough joy to need no other friends. I'm still surprised by this, in hindsight, though at the time, it bore no scrutiny. I worked for a motivational speaker named Richard Tosti, who showed me many new ideas, and taught me that the message and the messenger are not necessarily the same. I still studied, though my abortive attempts at formal education had clarified that it would likely never be a good fit for me. Instead, I read voraciously. I traveled the little walked pathways of mysticism, journeying steadily toward New Age culture while maintaining a discerning eye and a skeptical mind. I progressed through a Course in Miracles. I minimized the impact of normalcy by reading lots of fantasy and science fiction. I played tabletop role playing games with anyone I could find. I am immensely grateful for the strength of my imagination. The theme of my third decade was exploration. I grew and time passed.

The beginning of fourth decade found me back in California. My third love had passed out of my life, lost in the journey through parenthood. Take heed- those waters remain rocky for those unfinished in their own growth. I had adapted to the best of my abilities, learned to love Texas, found purpose in self manifestation, and gained strength and courage while working for the San Marcos Fire Department. My first son Robby was six, and he stayed in Texas with his father while I went to California to study. I learned two things- how to engage in violence and how to engage in healing. Both important in their own times. I also found my fourth great love, and made him central to my reality. I met cherished friends, full of humor and grace. I especially honor Evan Ten Brink, who showed me true generosity and the meaning of pay it forward, long before the movie came to the screen. I partook of Wymyn's community, knowing that I was only a visitor, and cherishing the things I learned that I would someday bring home to share with similar gatherings in Texas. Especially the concept of Amazon, the self made woman warrior who is no obedient soldier, but rather a self directed tool of destruction used in defense of those who cannot defend themselves. Women do not have to accept the patriarchal designations of maiden, mother, and crone. Indeed, while these three roles are always options, women have many other choices. The theme of my fourth decade was autonomy. Time passed and I grew.

One thing is clear from all I have written. Standing at the beginning of a decade offers little hope of seeing what will transpire in the ten years to follow. I have goals; I have aspirations, and I have no way of knowing which ones will flower and which will die barely sprouted. I know this about myself- I am always changing. In ten years, I will be something more and different than I am now. What, exactly, will take that long to discover. I might be an internationally recognized builder of labyrinths, a published author with a wide following, a famous artist, or all of these, or none of these. I plan to make the theme of my fifth decade accomplishment.

I am forty, now. In these four short decades, the world has become so much more and less, so different in the realm of man, so damaged in the realm of nature. What will the world look like by the time my life comes to an end? Will there be polar bears or ice caps or keyboards? Likely these will be things of the past, replaced with floating gardens near the polar zones where the weather is something the plants can survive, and voice recognition software for interactive processor implants... I don't know. I know this- time will pass, and I will continue to grow.

Namaste,
Crow