Embracing My Impending Ego Death

(note- written late on the night of Wednesday, April 23rd, and posted when all permissions were clear)

Oh my goddess! The level of excitement in my body is not that different than tantric energy exchange, and yet it is almost equaled by a deep seated fear. My strong will pulls me forward toward a greater truth, and my ego self trembles with an open awareness of its fragile basis in illusion and fear.

I hope I'm not speaking nonsense to you. Context might help. For two years now, I've been engaged in active dialogue with both my unconscious mind and my higher self. The three of us have collaborated on some major life shifts, which facilitate perceptual shifts, which in turn open the door to more life shifts... You get the picture. So with Re/Transformation and Psych-K as my primary tools, I've been uncovering my deeper truth, my greater self expression, and my life purpose. It's all been very satisfying and exhilarating. And the pace has gotten faster as I go.

Now I'm almost ready to embark on the next adventure, which I intend and expect to take me to whole new levels. I am attending a four day workshop for Advanced Psych-K starting tomorrow. The child care is all in place, the food is all ready to go, the clothes are clean, and the massage table is in the truck. And finally, with no other preparations to make, my ego self, the part that imagines me to be small and isolated and vulnerable to a hostile universe, is crying out that it's all a bad idea.

So, I do what I can. The poor thing has been working so hard to protect me from my own greatness for a long time, now. Most of the last 42 years, I'd say. I'm grateful for the deep concern she expresses for my overall well-being. And at the same time, I have to remind her that she's not the best one to leave in charge of these matters.

Psych-K is the name of the game, for the next few days, and it's also the perfect tool for preparing myself. I looked inward for guidance, listening to the fear, asking it what it might be named. The universe is dangerous, or something along those lines. Well, just the other day, I did a great session with Megan. (check out her blog post, she loves me!) And Megan has this simple and direct relationship to the divine. I love it. We balanced for her a new truth, and the gist of it was that her Greater Self knows exactly what She's doing.

Isn't that elegant? She also knows that her little self is not the best one to leave in charge, and she knows that her wholeness is connected to That Which Knows All. And her Greater Self is always taking care of the little human Megan. It delighted me to share in her process. And I knew I would balance a similar truth for myself, though the words would be different.

Here's what I found, standing in the shower, contemplating my impending expansion/doom. 0,o And I balanced it just moments ago-

The World Mind guides me to perfect destiny.

And it needed a supporting truth, which was-

I am Homo Lux manifest.

This one is big. (Ha! not like the first one was small...) Homo Lux is, for me, the name of our next step, the way that humans are evolving into a new species at this very moment. The twelve strand dna people who will change the laws of physics and engage in all the amazing, mystical practices that will transform our culture into something beautiful and sustainable. Homo Erectus, the human who walks upright, Homo Sapiens, the human who thinks, and now, Homo Lux, the human of divine light.

We play the human game by forgetting we are sparks of the divine. We fill our hungry minds with the trappings of our culture, and the follies of competitive drive. And sometimes, we start to remember, and then choose to let go of our training and embrace our wisdom. I have been deliberately forgetting my programming and reclaiming my greater truth. I am Homo Lux manifest. So are you, if you let yourself remember.

And the ego self is such a treasure. I won't let her die. She's the way I play the game. She's the one most people expect to hear answer my phone. I won't be small to coddle her fears, though. I'm going to grow into my whole greatness. There's plenty of room for magic in the world. It's the perfect time. Right here, right now. Join me.

Namaste

Radical Revisions

Well, it's been a while. I've been focused on completing some projects. Had a great conference in November, with the Labyrinth Society. Went to a Wholistic Rodeo in Kerrville. Both seemed terribly urgent at the time. Now, they are both just things I went to do, places I visited, ways I met people, grew my vision, and became more attuned to myself.

I will post, next time, about an amazing healing experience I had at the Labyrinth Conference. Just a teaser, for now, though.

I am in flux.

You see, last night I stayed up late, mesmerized. I read Become Younger, a book by Norman Walker, one of several he wrote on health, and I have embraced my extremism in response. I am now officially raw vegan. I just went through my fridge and took out everything that needs cooking or has been cooked already. I packed up all the grains and beans, all the meats, all the flours and condiments, even the Rice Dream frozen desserts that have been a staple in our house forever. I'll take it all to a friend of mine in a bit.

While I was concerned that I would have little left, I am pleased to see that my fridge is still pretty full. I've already been flirting with Raw food practices, so I've got a lot of produce. I am adjusting my priorities around my new food choices. I'll need a better juicer. I think, though, that just stopping my intake of the things that are harmful will make a big difference.

Then, just because I didn't feel destabilized enough, I re-watched The Story of Stuff. It's 20 minutes of distilled truth that has changed my way of seeing everything. Check it out-

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

From there, I found this interesting expose on the World Bank-

http://www.50years.org/factsheets/FAQ-FactSheet_3.9.04.pdf

I had no idea that it has all been so deliberate. A few years back, I found this other site that talks about how money is flowing uphill at an alarming rate. That's this one-

http://www.seek2know.net/money2.html

I have been on a cash basis for some time. I have one credit card that doesn't go negative, ever. I put cash on it when I want to buy something online. I have another with a small credit limit, only $500, and I pay it all the way off every month. I don't contribute the the growing economic topheaviness of the global culture. It's small comfort, though.

I choose to contribute to the organizations that are working to create a new model of accountability and positive impact. Check out the Grameen Foundation-

http://www.grameenfoundation.org/

Or sponsor a survivor of the ongoing global war-

http://www.womenforwomen.org/

Or a child impoverished by the one sided flow of wealth-

http://www.children.org/

It might be hard to take in all the imbalances of our culture at once. I find myself coming up against fear, hopelessness, anger. I go back to the Zen Buddhist saying: "If there is a problem, and you can do something about it, don't worry. And if there is a problem, and you can do nothing about it... don't worry."

I'm taking action. Small steps, growing awareness, increased personal focus and power. As bad as it all looks, I am happy to say that I feel hopeful, at least right now. There is so much change emerging, so much love and care moving in the world. That's where I connect myself. And by living consciously, I hope to expiate some small measure of my long complicity in the creation of the troubles. I hope to bring change by being the change. What about you?

Peace,
Crow the Free Radical

Universal Love

So, there I was, trading massage with two wonderful friends. You know, the usual....

(Record scratching sound....) o.O

No, really, I was trading massage. And it wasn't unusual at all. I'm so not normal anymore! Thanks to all faces of the Divine for that!

By the way, find two friends you can trust. Gather the three of you and a massage table. Take turns receiving and giving four hands massage. Go, now, make arrangements. This blog is soooo unimportant in comparison!

Hey, welcome back. I hope you enjoyed, or will soon enjoy, your massage experience.

Where was I? Oh, right. Serendipity and Mageshwaki. I met Serendipity because she offered an artist's special, a great massage at my place for a reasonable price. Woot! Artist perks...

Then, it became obvious that we had way too much in common to be in a mercantile relationship. So we switched to friends. Which kind of worked... Then we tweaked it and it worked better. Then she met this great guy, and she was busy for a while... (More power to her!) And finally I met him when we all went to a lovely little urban (and urbane) drum circle in south Austin.

So I'm moving, and I'm moving again, and finally I realize- OMG! I am so in need of a massage. And I'm spending all my money on moving... Hmmm. Trade! I invite them over to introduce them to the wonders of four hands massage.

Serendipity gives massage all week, so she goes first, which is perfect. I have alternate life recognition with Mageshwaki, so I feel very comfortable. And I have no idea how odd or sane this whole event feels to him. We start by offering loving touch to Serendipity, both of us able to focus on her while we gently explore our partnership in giving. Very nice.

Then it becomes clear that we only have time left for one more to take a turn. I'm trying to decide how difficult it is to transition to receiving from giving. I offer the time to Mageshwaki. He accepts. Great. I'm happy because he feels comfortable enough. I'm concerned about my continuing pattern of giving more than I get... Well, no time for fretting now. Someone is on the table!

Serendipity and I find a lovely rhythm, matching strokes from either side of the table. Intuition takes over, and I put focus on the areas that cry out. I also notice my state- peaceful. And I take note of the situation, not your average reality unfolding.

Why has it become so easy to love people I hardly know? Here's this guy, not much different that hundreds of thousands of strangers in this city. And the second time I meet him, he's in my living room, receiving generous doses of loving touch from two fabulous healers.

I think about it. I love people. Took a while to get there, to be sure, but it's true now. I love a lot of things, situations, property, stories, animals, places. The list starts to get really long in my head. I cut it short by simplifying the statement. I love. Which brings out a different question~ Why?

And like the blossoming of a delicate flower, the answer opens itself to me. I love because it's easier than doing anything else. Fear, frustration, resentment, anger, worry, even just withholding myself, all of these take way more energy than allowing myself to love. It takes a moment to absorb this insight. I mean, wow.

And then, as if it isn't enough to have one mind bending insight, I have another. You see, I know the universe is a loving and generous place. It has become more and more apparent as I've grown. And all of a sudden, I understand why. As above, so below.

All of nature is expressed in the most efficient fashion. The results created are always with the expenditure of the least necessary energy. The spiritual realms are just as much a part of the natural world, so efficiency is expressed there, too. Follow? I laugh at the simple beauty of it.

Here it is in full color-

The universe
is a loving and generous place
because it is the easiest thing to do,
the most energy efficient,
the most productive thing to do.
The universe is made of love
so it can be easy.

Love,
Crow

PS And don't worry, they're coming back soon to give me my turn! Purrrrr!

Emerging From My Coccoon

Well, it's been a very interesting six months. With occasional exception, I have been going nonstop, cleaning house physically, mentally, emotionally. I have been transforming, and it has taken all my energy. For a time, Jeff and I considered the possibility of moving into Austin together. The idea was to get a large house that we could somehow divide into two households. The intention was to soften the separation for Zander. In the end, I think it did, because it slowed the process of separating our lives. The gradual steps between gave him plenty of time to mentally adapt.

As you can probably infer, Jeff and I are not moving into Austin together. The more I cleaned out the house in Dripping Springs, ostensibly to make the house ready for selling, the clearer things became. I was the one who wanted to move, I was the one who did the work. Jeff stayed out of the way, helped when specific projects came to the fore, but otherwise didn't participate. Eventually I realized that I was trying to move all of us when I really just needed to move me. It was such a relief to let go of that illusion!

Jeff and I started ironing out details of divorcing. So much to consider! The law allows certain things, requires others, defines things so narrowly- it's a headache. But we worked through it. The key point for me was that Jeff considered the house in Dripping Springs to be his, not ours. This opened my eyes to what I had long resisted, but always known- our relationship had never quite crested into equality. So be it. And I had no desire to live in his house. So I moved. That day.

My dear friend, Elaine, has a lovely property of wild juniper and oak forest on a ridge between the Pedernales and Colorado watersheds. She graciously allowed me to live in her spare cabin for a time. I continued to evaluate my relationship to my things. Stuff can be so helpful at times, and at others, so hindering! I read a great book on clutter, and it really helped me clarify my needs. It's called Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, by Karen Kingston. So eye opening! I literally read it from cover to cover in the middle of a sleepless night. And then started shedding material goods again.

I grew into the awareness that my healing work had changed. Working with Frank on Re/Transformation was part of it. Being called to Priestesshood on pilgrimage was more. Having never set it as a conscious goal, I realized that my skill set is that of a life coach. And in exploration of that, I learned exactly how many things I know that pertain to that purpose. Considering that I really ought to have more income to do justice to Zander's homeschooling, the timing is very nice! I now offer True Path Coaching. My intention is to help my clients become consciously powerful instruments of divine purpose. All of us have the answers we need within, and I help people untangle their truth from all the layers of adaptation and acculturation.

I found a wonderful apartment. I had some specific criteria- must allow cats, must be near a park or greenbelt, must be energetically clean and welcoming, must be in my price range while also being large enough. But the real thing I was looking for was smile factor. If I walked in and it made me smile, that's where I wanted to live. I found a great apartment locater, (Erik Fortman with Apartment Experts of Austin, 366-2119) and he showed me several places. The smile factor was greatest on the first one we saw, and that is where I now reside. I am the first tenant to ever live in my apartment. The whole complex is brand new. Behind it is Mary Moore Seawright Park, with 300 plus acres of trails, playground, fields, sports areas, and disc golf. Because they are trying so hard to fill the new buildings, I got a thousand square feet for under a dollar each. Perfect!

Moving, again, the second time in two months. Whoosh! I got to learn exactly how much I'm in shape. And the incredible value of a rented furniture dolly when moving into an upstairs apartment. I continue to shed unneeded stuff. Selling some, donating more, tossing out yet more. It's liberating. And finally, after five solid months of purging, the creative channel finally cleared. Yesterday, for the first time since 2006, I got out my paints, sketched out some images, gessoed several canvases. And here I am today, posting to my neglected blog. I'm stretching my new wings!

I have made good progress on my new website, and it ought to be up and running in a few weeks. I've found some truly wonderful new friends. I've held steady for Zander through the transitions. I've gone to Denton to see Robby graduate from TAMS and meet his lovely girl, Claire. I've started the process of building credit, reclaiming power I had left in Jeff's hands. I've visited with my mother, strengthened my friendship with Mike, played in the pool with Zander. My life is profoundly blessed. I'm glad I'm in it.

Namaste,
Crow

Anime Wisdom

Zander and I watch a show on Nickelodeon, very popular among those in his age range, called Avatar. For the Season Finale, (yeah, it deserves the capitalization...) the main character Aang, went to study with a guru, so he could learn to master his most powerful self. I just love that this went out over Nickelodeon to all the kids of America! And it so delighted me, that I decided to follow the guru's advice for myself.

I started by going to the house of my high self, which is something I've spent time developing with and for the purpose of Re/Transformation.
I had already set the intention, and I was met by my inner elf, the sort from the Silmarillion, who was clearly intending to be my guide through the process. Nice to know my unconscious and superconscious are in support of my will to grow. We hooked arms and went into the room that is just for me. The ceiling there is domed, and can show me anything I want to know about myself.

In the show, the guru said that the first chakra is the chakra of the element of earth and that it is for survival and can be blocked by fear.

So I went to my first chakra, seeing all in shades of red, and I asked to be shown my greatest fears. I saw myself misusing power, and crazy people engaging in random violence. I thought there might be more, but that was it, at least for now. I let them wash away in the truth of not knowing the future, and the trust of the perfection of my unfolding path.

Then he spoke of the second chakra as the element of water, and being for pleasure, it is blocked by guilt.

I sought my second chakra, seeing all in orange, and asked to be shown what I was ashamed of or felt guilty about. This was mostly about Jeff, and leaving a marriage that is for most purposes, and by most standards, a very good marriage. But there were bits about being a perfect parent, too. These I let go by forgiveness and honoring my commitment to my highest principles.

The guru called the third chakra the fire chakra, and it was for will and therefore blocked by shame. I translated that to doubt, because I had already done shame with guilt.

So I went in all yellows to my third chakra and asked to be shown my self doubt. They were multitudinous, but mostly small. These I let go in the light of guidance. That even though I don't know what's best in every moment, I have access to those who do. (Just stand up, and you'll know what to do...)

These first three I did overnight, in the spaces between waking up and going back to sleep. (Which I do too much, but I've got some ideas on how to sleep more soundly. That'll be another post.) The next morning was busy. Actually that was helpful, because it really let me feel the difference between the chakras I had cleansed and the ones I hadn't. It was really light feeling. As if I had been used to a heaviness and it was gone. Like taking off the weight belt when you're done scuba diving.

I had a massage scheduled for the afternoon, so I thought I would work on my fourth chakra then. It turned out that I had enough time to do all the remaining four. I like it when it's easy!

Our fictional guide (remeber that truth is where you find it!) called the fourth chakra the love chakra, and following his pattern, it would also be elemental air, which fit for me, since it's right in there with the lungs. It's blocked by grief.

So all in green I asked to be shown what I still grieved. This result was one of the most surprising to me, being mostly my father as he was when I was very young, and a long list of animal companions. I let these go by seeing love as an energy that recirculates like any other. Also, knowing death to be very different than our culture assumes, it's easy for me to allow for passage. I'll see them again when waiting is filled.

The fifth chakra he called the truth chakra, element of sound, blocked by lies.

In turquoise, I sought out my lies. It was one of the easiest for me, since I let go of lying so long ago. These days, the closest I get to lying is to not correct someone's assumptions, and not very often even then. I just don't like untruth or manipulation. It takes too much energy. So the few things that came up were about myself. Anyway, I let go of my deceptions by renewing my commitment to transparency.

The sixth chakra was described as the light chakra, for vision, and blocked by illusion. And in the show, they talked about the illusion of separateness, that all things are connected...

All in indigo, I asked to be shown my illusions. The biggest one was the remnant of trying to be responsible for the happiness of another. And that any disonance is harmful, instead of serving it's purpose in delineating greater connection to truth and oneness. To release these, I invoked "It is as it is." How can it be any other way?

And finally, the seventh chakra was called the knowledge chakra, blocked by attachment. It was portrayed as cosmic in nature on the show. It reminded me of the Tibetan Buddhist prayer of attaining all knowing so that you can better help people and end suffering.

I went in purples to see what illusions I still cherished. I don't currently remember what I saw. I think I went deeper than conscious work, there. But when I woke up, my massage was over and I felt light all through.

So there it is. If you get a chance to watch Avatar, go ahead; it's a great show. And if you know anyone who owns the discs, then borrow the last one in Book Two and watch Chapter Nineteen of Earth. You know things are getting better when the cartoons are offering effective spiritual guidance.

Namaste

Just Stand Up

I follow guidance a lot. Some people have no idea what I mean when I say that. I'll explain, just briefly, exactly what it means to me.

There is a knowing available to all human beings, part conscience, part Holy Spirit. With muscle testing, or a pendulum, or dowsing rods, or by listening to the voices of angels, or meditating, or reading tarot cards/tea leaves/I Ching/Runes, or any other of the thousands of ways of finding truth through tools, anyone (really, anyone) can become more familiar with this deep connection to a greater awareness.

For me, the journey began with cards. It passed through many other forms, because I am endlessly curious. I have used something like seventeen different forms of divination. Eventually, I studied healing arts, and became more direct in my questions. Then, after long practice, I found that my asking no longer needed tools. In fact, I had used them for so long that the answers arrived more quickly than my tools could respond.

Now, I get very direct prompting. Sometimes it's because I'm asking a question, and I am given an answer. Sometimes, it because I haven't asked, but probably should have, and I am given an answer. The universe definitely has a sense of humor.

Some might ask, "Who is answering?" I can't say for sure. I name them, according to the stories I know, the sense I get of the personalities behind my interactions with Spirit. I know the results are positive. And the proof is in the pudding. If I was led to do destructive things, I would be very skeptical. It never happens that way. Always, my work with the unseen has granted me new insight, healing intuition, and opening to greater strength and connection.

And so it was this Sunday. I like to attend the Spiritualist Church in Austin. It's a bit of a drive, though, and I only go when guided to go. This was one of those weeks. I knew on Thursday that I'd be attending. Usually, this is because I need a healing boost, or someone is going to give me a particularly important message from spirit. This time it was more.

When the healing part of the service came, I asked my guides if I ought to offer healing. They answered no. I asked if I ought to receive healing. Again, no. Well,I thought, it must be the message, then. And sure enough, I was the first in the congregation to be offered a message. That done, though, I finally realized why I was there. Not to receive, but to deliver.

Okay, I can do that. I've had practice in performance with channeling. But more, and here's where the sense of humor comes in, my guides wouldn't tell me anything else. I went round with them for a minute or two. "I'm supposed to deliver a message?" "Yes." "Well, what is it?" No answer. "Who is it for?" No answer. "Look, I'm supposed to deliver a message, right?" "Yes." I can hear them laughing, now.

So I know I'm missing something. Hmmm. I finally stop asking questions and just listen for a moment. You know what they say?

"Just stand up and you'll know what to do next."

Oh, dang. This is one of those "trust in me" moments. Visions of standing in front of an expectant crowd and having nothing to say... Ack!! Of course, my guides are plenty amused, but I'm just trying to pluck up the courage. And finally, at the last possible moment, because they were about to go on to announcements, I find myself standing.

(I'm still not sure I did that completely on purpose.)

I even have a chance to sit back down, but I don't like to chicken out on anything, especially Spirit tapping me on the arm. So off I go, to stand in the aisle and have nothing prepared. My heart is pounding so hard I can't hear for a moment. I feel my face flush. But I'm in for the whole of it, now. And as I take a breath and deliberately calm myself, things get easier.

One face in the crowd seemed lighter and more focused than all the others. Well, that must be the one. I ask and receive permission from her to deliver a message. Still don't have one to deliver, but permission is a good start... I take a breath and suddenly, there's an image, a single rose bud, dew speckled, gently unfolding. Well, look at that... I wonder what it means... I describe it to her, and as I'm speaking, the meaning comes to me, as well.

Wow, that was easy. Well, it was pretty hard, actually to overcome my fear, but the delivering was simple, at least. And again. A face, then permission, then an image, then the explanation. And my guides let me off the hook with just two. Sigh of relief, sit down again. Lesson complete.

What have I learned? Well, ego needs humbling sometimes. I learned that I don't get to control how Spirit works through me. And I am well reminded of the value of trust, and that the truest purpose of intuition is as service to a greater good and community.

Spirit has a plan for me, and I have, in fact, committed myself to becoming the instrument of Divine Will. So this is what that looks like.

"Just stand up, and you'll know what to do next."

Namaste,
Crow

Making Peace with Words

Language is so powerful. Words can heal or hurt, create open pathways or close hearts in mere moments. Masaru Emoto shows us in no uncertain terms how we can influence water with words, whether for the better or for the worse. But for me, the most interesting power of words is their influence on my worldview, from the inside out.

For example, I have long envisioned our reality as a single thread on a multidimensional tapestry of possible realities, parallel threads hovering all around us, just past the veil of some mysterious force that keeps each one isolated and on track with its own rules and storyline. So the word universe, implying singularity, didn't jibe. But what could I do? The accepted word doesn't really have any easy synonyms. I did say multiverse, where I thought the word would be well received. But all in all, there was a little piece of me dissatisfied.

Then, while listening to Nawang Kechog (I love his work, go buy his cd's...) speak on the interconnectedness of things, I realized something that transformed my whole way of seeing the word 'universe.' I perceived an infitinte and complex but perfectly patterned web of circumstances must exist for every thing, every moment to come into existence. That what I call Spirit is actually the conductor of an immense symphony of interwoven energy flows. And the word Uni (one) Verse (song) means just that.

Now that little dissatisfaction is gone, and I feel joyful about the word. The word hasn't changed. But I have shifted my seeing of it and made it comfortable in my mind. And I recognize the value of being at peace with my language. So I started lookig for other words that didn't feel comfortable.

The phrase 'raw food' came next. I like to say what is, rather than describe something by what it is not. It's a practice of consciousness, allowing me to actively participate in co-creation with my thoughts and speech. I call it generative language. And 'raw' has connotations of the negative, at least for me. It's not cooked. So I was looking for alternatives.

I thought first about the idea that fresh food is full of life and enzymatically active. One of my recipe books has a kirlian photograph on the cover, and the energy flickers from the ends of a slice of starfruit like a miniature lightning storm. I toyed with the phrases 'life food,' 'live food,' and 'living food.' But chewing is such a strong and irrevocable process, it would almost be like killing my little sprouting friends. Not a perfect fit.

Then I considered the magic of photosynthesis. The plants we eat have energy that is only one step removed from sunlight. That's amazing to me. So what if I called my food 'sun food?' Or maybe 'sun fuel?' Very close, now. I remember though, that language is first about communication. And if I'm calling food 'sun fuel,' I'm setting myself up to do a lot of explaining. So, still not perfect.

And in the generous way it has, the unified song brings me my answer. Zander is opening a window, and he has to move a little statuette. He asks which goddess it is. I answer, "It's a god, sweetie, the Egyptian god of the Sun. His name is Ra." And he responds, "Raw? Like raw food?"

Now that's as close to full circle as you can get! I call my way of eating 'raw food.' And implicit in my understanding is that it is also Ra food. The whole journey of my internal exploration, contained in the starting point. I feel like kid at Christmas.

Namaste,
Crow